When my fur child Toastie died in September 2023, I didn’t tell anyone.

It wasn’t because I couldn’t bring myself to speak about it but because I was aware of society’s perception of pet loss. I knew no one would understand the pain I was experiencing.

You see, if you were to tell someone that your parent, partner, or human child just died, you would get a valid response.

You would get sincere compassion, plenty of hugs, and constant reassurance that you’re not alone.

So why do we not get this level of empathy with pet loss?

The Immense Pain Of Pet Loss

Toastie wasn’t simply a pet, nor was he a cat that I owned. He was one of my best friends and closest companions.

I raised Toastie since he was a 3-week-old abandoned kitten, so he was like a child to me.

And I know, without a doubt, he saw me as his mum – I mean, I was the only carer he ever knew.

So, you can only imagine the level of pain I felt when he tragically passed away when I was outside the country.

Just like anyone would if their human child died, I immediately flew home.

Society’s View On Pet Grief 

I arrived at the airport a few hours after finding out about Toastie’s passing.

My eyes were red raw, and I struggled to hold back the tears. I managed to hold it together long enough to ask the check-in staff if they could seat me in a quiet part of the plane.

But I knew if I told them the reason for my request, they would not take it seriously or, worse, laugh.

So, instead, I kept it vague and said a family member had just died. At least that way, I would get the same level of respect that someone who just lost a human loved one would.

Back home and after a few weeks of avoiding everyone and suffering in silence, I eventually pushed myself to start talking about it.

And this is what I observed…

People react VERY differently when you talk about pet loss than when you tell them a human family member died.

Most people’s response was along the lines of “Oh no, that’s so sad.”

Some people would ask a couple of questions. Others would just change the topic.

And that was it.

With a couple of exceptions, no one thought to check in with me as the weeks and months went on.

No one asked how I was doing. I guess they assumed I had gotten over it and moved on because, you know, he was just a cat.

I very much doubt this would have been the case if a close human family member of mine died.

I’m sure then people would text and send messages. They certainly wouldn’t expect me to be fine so soon after.

So why was grieving the death of my pet cat seen as unjustified?

Why Pet Grief Is Invalid In Society

Once I realized Toastie’s death was not going to be validated by those around me, I started looking further afield.

I wondered, am I alone in feeling this way? Did I love Toastie TOO much?

Surely I’m not the only person in the world to be utterly heartbroken after the loss of a pet?

It turns out I’m not.

There are plenty of people out there who have grieved for an animal more than they have for a person.

In fact, according to research, the majority of pet owners see their cats and dogs as family members.

In this 2018 survey, 72% of Americans stated that they consider their pets as family.

There has also been some research on pet grief. 

Unsurprisingly, in this online survey, one of the most prominent themes among people who had lost pets was a lack of validation and support. 

Many pet owners also talked about the intensity of their grief, agreeing that pet loss feels just as detrimental as losing a human family member.

But what I found most interesting about this research is that many participants commented on how therapeutic doing the survey was. 

After months or years of suffering in silence, they were finally able to express their heartache in a nonjudgmental way and feel like their grief was validated.

Pet Loss And Disenfranchised Grief

“The bond between a pet and a human is a sacred one, and when a pet is gone, a part of us goes with them.”

James Herriot, British Veterinary Surgeon

These findings (along with the experience of many pet owners who have experienced pet loss) confirm that pet grief is a type of disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief refers to certain types of grief that do not fit in with society’s attitude about dealing with death and loss. 

Dr. Kenneth J. Doka is a licensed mental health counselor and expert in grief who coined this term.

He explains that finding social support and sympathy for disenfranchised grief is often difficult. What’s more, the lack of support you get from society can prolong your emotional pain.

Disenfranchised grief shouldn’t be a thing. But it is thanks to the unspoken “Hierarchy of Loss.”

Many corporate companies will refer to this when deciding if their employees are entitled to compassionate leave. This unspoken rule literally allows society to tell us how much we should be grieving.

Why Is Pet Loss So Hard?

The relationship between a person and their animal companion is complex – one that you can only understand if you’ve experienced it yourself.

People who are not pet owners do not understand the depth of love and connection you can have with a different species.

For instance, they might argue that a cat or dog cannot understand you.

However, while our pets may not speak the same language, they certainly understand us.

They understand that we love them and are there to protect and care for them, so they relax and feel at ease in our presence.

And in return for a safe home and a full belly, they love us back.

They love us just as hard as any human family member does – sometimes, arguably harder.

The Deep Bond Between Human And Pet

Let’s also not underestimate how much time we spend with our pets. 

Our pets are always there. 

They don’t go to work or school. They don’t spend all weekend with their friends.

Their lives revolve around us. 

We are their whole life, and for many pet parents, they are a large and irreplaceable part of ours.

Considering this, the deep bond between humans and their pets is based on the accumulation of countless small, mundane moments. A quick stroke here, a cuddle there, a short play session with their favorite toy. 

At the time, we don’t realize the bond we are building with our pets when we do these things. 

But when they’re gone, those are the moments we miss the most. 

As no one sees these little moments (other than those we live with), this is likely why outsiders cannot understand the depth of love we have for our furry friends. 

Many moments with our pets are also very intimate. 

They sleep in our bed; follow us into the bathroom when we go to the toilet. They are there to console us when we are sick, upset, or stressed.

In fact, for many people, our pets become our emotional support buddies, providing us with a source of nonjudgmental, unconditional love. 

They don’t care what we look like, how successful we are, or how much money we make; they love us regardless.

And in turn, they teach us how to love unconditionally. 

Validating Yourself

“I loved you your whole life, I’ll miss you for the rest of mine”

Regardless of what society says, we shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of our feelings.

We shouldn’t suppress our emotions or minimize our grief on anyone’s account.

So, if you’re grieving the loss of a furry friend right now, know that the pain and suffering you are feeling is natural and totally okay.

It is okay to cry every day; it is okay to take time off work, and it is okay to do nothing but look at photos of your fur baby.

Give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. Show yourself as much compassion as you would if you lost a human family member.

Next, find those one or two people in your life who understand what you are going through and don’t minimize your feelings.

If no one in your life understands, seek support from further afield. There are many Facebook groups, Reddit forums, and Instagram pages dedicated to pet loss.

Check out my article on How To Deal With Pet Loss for more healthy coping strategies.

While society may see pet loss as invalid, plenty of people don’t. So, find these people, lean on them, and ignore what anyone else says.

You ARE entitled to grieve your furry friend!